A whole year Poof One minute you’re kissing in a restaurant The next, you’re a 365 sunsets away Table for one on your third glass of wine At your second restaurant Eating your fourth meal of the night Doing your very goddamndest Not to remember Not to be haunted The wisps curl in from nowhere Trying to invade your mind “It hurts It hurts It hurts You need to cry” Who me? I will shove that shit down I will evict it kick it in its ass until it runs outside AND STAY OUT While I drink more and eat more And talk to more strangers And pretend to develop a lover Because I will not be taken down and destroyed By someone who told me I love you I am yours With nicknames and promises every single untrue syllable I was there a year ago Tripping over my pen and fingers and tongue Hopeful and filled with faith And wondering if i could keep up I was standing still Not the one on the run Who still runs Who maybe was always running Who will likely appear in the days that follow Seeking a clear path that has no thorns But my dear, you’re the one that planted them I have the truth now, I suppose I couldn’t match a champion like that Last year, this year or any other I’ll never be as good a liar
I guess I’m headed for dull ache I’m not being stabbed over and over by harsh reality just sudden bangs and clatters of recent memories sometimes a slow surge of sorrow from a fleeting thought sometimes out of nowhere the breathlessness of unexpected loss
I miss his salt and pepper soft, warm voice lilting with tease and generally good humor so sweet he was that man I met in the hotel bar in the lavender patterned button down gray pants welcoming smile beautiful words that opened my heart and let him inside I’m afraid all the pictures I have captured someone else I don’t know him now do I?
this is how it works it’s all so acute the shock the anger the sadness the confusion the longing the fear the sense of unfinished business the disbelief
the hope that love gives breaks up pain stalls it softens it
but the dwindling begins as the seconds tick tick on and on denial rage frustration resignation emotions spawned by the folly of another become a toxic, numbing force icing my soul it once burned so bright
hope that fuels a fire within I always burn
but
with every passing failure the process of abandonment closes in on the flame a little more it hurts this death of sorts and I don’t give up easily to love is a purpose this plucky sense of maybe emboldens despite waning heat and energy romantic resolve also weakens me while what I admire has stopped trying to spark completely
quiet intercedes in between the whys and whats and whens of yesterday and the what ifs and coulds and tears and tears and tears and then the embers just warm and barely giving off heat still glow but so softly going away like he is now I’m holding coals with my dirty hands and the dull ache I don’t understand I don’t understand no matter how quiet or cool it gets I won’t ever understand this kind of arson
I was clear on who I am What I want Was this way for us Was me Was love Was fully here Had fears Never concealed Shared this place with open arms and heart Showed the me that is true
And here am I so many months later Grasping for any tender moment Missing the sighs and belly laughs and smiles and time that flowed so easily at the beginning This is allstill the beginning It’s fucking ridiculousness
The fear wasn’t really mine alone The fear was shared Lulled me anyway and soothed me and promised me “I’m not going anywhere” Feelings denied and hid despite it I’ve been alone for months sitting here In theory we aren’t forever over But it’s all tentative Disengaged Fear perpetuates denying and hiding When our love was and could always have been in plain sight Was it love So many declarations Wrapped me up and reassuring But how can one love and fade with such ease No one can question why I have trouble believing That anything said was real
If it seems like I’m angry Resent-filled Hurting I’m bleeding from wounds reopened Because I tried trusting Here I am again A new year reminding me that everything new is old and old is new Still the same old and new me Wishing for my “you”
The woman you’ve known for over ten years is a cog in the epidemic that’s fueling the pandemic Also, you’ve come to realize your friendship with her is performative and has been all along She’s sicker than you’ve ever been and you can’t stop comparing and judging her because she doesn’t have what you want and never has You imagined it and she didn’t meet up to the image you had of her It’s illusory
Your son won’t adhere to even the smallest of safety guidelines you ask him to follow …Also he asks you for money when he has more than you ever did at his age and eats all the ice cream in the middle of the night, can’t seem to schedule his showers when they don’t conflict with yours and doesn’t dispose of his used condoms properly
Your millennial workplace bosses promote the same millennials over and over while you and your other older coworkers get recognized for nothing and your wrinkles and gray keep showing Also, after Labor Day, thanks to people like the aforementioned “friend”, there will be no “return to normalcy”
Have an email fight with your landlord over grout in your tub that is turning black Enjoy his mansplain efforts on management’s recommendation that tenants use toothbrushes and “disenfectant” to clean Also, have the actual maintenance person tell you to your face that the grout was done wrong (with latex) and should be done with silicone Doesn’t seem shady
You can’t seem to stop meeting people who hurt you or at the very least, disregard you Also, don’t give up on love Also, redirect that frustration into something positive (because the last ten years of trying to do that have gone SO well) C’mon and channel that sexual energy
Masks back on Even for you who got vaccinated Stay home again and only go places where people are spread out and far apart There will be no intimate moments in a crowd or a thumping bass at a concert Also, it’s not like you have anywhere to go You’re old now Nobody wants to see your wrinkled old ass in a club,lady
Try to appreciate all your blessings Struggle to do some deep belly breathing Do your best to engage your diaphragm And do butterfly tapping And soften your pelvic floor muscles And imagine that you are safe and calm And cry because the depth of your trauma and neglect will maybe never allow a natural moment’s peace Sex and tv and mild substances and distractions maybe
The Truth And Purpose 