Rookie

Want so badly to be “in love”

One day it appears promised
suddenly
for once
everything is on the table and available because the giver holds unrelenting sweetness, plain living, and honest and seemingly complete desire
maybe even “normal”

and I run like my body is on fire

Want so badly to connect and be touched

So many distant whispers and fingerprints
by the beautiful
and sensual
and visually irresistable
what fantasies are made of
and their makers are ambivalent and confused and haunted and exist on purpose worlds away

and I chase like the messiah has appeared across a busy street

Want to be unaffected by the male of the species
blissfully ignorant of its needs and feelings
appeal only to wants and compulsions
it’s so easy to gratify with the known fleshy and lust-filled distractions

I see LOVE as a mythical creature on a far away mountain range

Spend time staring
at rings
embraces
vacations
anniversaries
celebrations of unity and commitment

desperately want to grasp and grab for affection and partnership
see myself as capable
as likely as anyone

The truth:

I wouldn’t know what to do if a soulmate kissed me on the lips and built me a porch swing

In the space

i can still feel you hesitate
and the words that you said
you will trust me
but maybe not believe me
it’s the bed that i’ve made

but your fingers
overrode my insecurity
and your voice filled a space in me
you filled it in so suddenly

you don’t know
you have some kind of void or pain
something holds you back from letting joy in
even though you say you can

i know because i think i am the same

and you arrived in my life with the gospel of your name
and your anger and wishfulness
and desire to let go of ancient regrets
to be deserving of what you feel you haven’t been blessed with yet

it’s me my friend
affected though i may be with spirits
and aching that never ends
i see in you something i can’t remember
because i was never able to touch it

so i’ll sit here with feelings and starships of my own making
Waiting

i know you’re out there in orbit
because we agreed
we made a contract
in flesh and in fluid
and words and sentiments unspoken

and you’ll have a hand in where i go and what I do
and i’ll be waiting to say yes to you
because i’ve been waiting for this for so long
and now you’re the reason for my song

wonder if i can let you listen
let you in
challenge you in the same refrain
Let me in
to the space that you say is where anything can happen
my new feline masculine companion

We need to talk

He doesn’t barely flirt
I don’t even know if we’re hinting at our true intentions when we converse

We laugh and carry on easy, pleasing conversation
Like old friends or lovers with seemingly mild distraction

But he said the word “voracious”
Once
And I can’t get it out of my head
I’ve never been this tuned in and turned on
Saying nothing about the fact that EVERY time we talk now
I’m wet

We kissed
Once
And I despised his handling of mall security
And I can’t bring him home to meet friends and family

But he’s intelligent and weird and funny and thinks in lyric
and I think he’s in control and I hope he knows it
And his tongue felt perfect

I’m having orgasms about kissing
It’s never been like THIS
Achy, wholesome unspoken tension

I am free to see him in 48 hours and feel nothing
Do nothing
I have spent no sexual currency in advance
There is no carnal promise

but if the state of my body now is any indication
There’s going to be a shockwave;
combustion

And then the words will come
and come
and come

the friendly, restrained silence, broken