Memorializing

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Compelled by forces
Because it’s all out of my control
Why?

Yearning. Wanting. Missing.
I need him God.
You dont exist God so why would
I tell you?
Maybe God is me.
Maybe I’m telling me
I need.
I need a “him”
I need a new mouth,
new body, new skin

Maybe it has to be some old skin.
Skin with art.
Skin that has travelled continents.
Skin that is somehow like mine and I dont know why

There it is again

I
don’t
know
why

Those words
The non-answer
They’re like a resolution
dead end

Was it serenity?
He was strangely serene
No, sedate
No, swaggering
No, smooth

No no no

But he slid in and stayed
A thicker “notch” than most
How he does linger
He has eyes for me

Refuses to take his hands away from over his eyes
He knows I am standing
here
He wishes it that way
So he touches me
He touches me
With invisible fingers
He touches. He reaches
Pulls back in fear
But longing
longing like mine
but guilt-rich and trouble-laden
terror-filled
joyous and awful

I could show him this
How I sit and construct
this world where our feelings
live
This vacuum, this ether
net

Dreadful passing wasting time
Life we only have one

It’s 12:16

Can you hear me?
I’m talking to you
from inside
Seeing you in my arms
Your mouth is with mine
I am overcome for you
I would like to be touching
you
The way you do

I delude myself into thinking
that I am, I have.

I read books as a child
about powers out of our control
That maybe we could use them
Maybe we are God
afterall

written August 31, 2007 12:04am

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Favorite

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You’re the one
youre the only one
who ever was someone
who I ever called
my favorite

the container you are
the suntanned
aging handyman
with green wild eyes
salt and pepper
who’d have thought I’d lose it for the gray
and a smile that lights up women of a certain age

I carry you everywhere
even when I’ve forgotten I’m still holding on
even when I know I don’t truly know what’s inside your mind

here I am almost years later
still lingering
on a look
a touch
a kiss
and then silence and intermittence
and then a passing of sails on a rainy february evening
and then stillness

and you’re still as present
I say your name when I’m alone
I wonder how you are
I still imagine there is more to be said or done
that this story of you has not finished

and that’s what still makes me cry
that my fantasy remains to this day
so intact
is it a lie I tell myself?

because you were perfect
rough and relaxed
kind and guarded
aloof and easy
complex and so basic
I’m turned on imagining a simple life with you in it
it’s significant
in your presence I was utterly incandescent

it feels like you will always be my favorite

When The Flashbacks

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Remember that you don’t know how you feel
Remember that on second thought, maybe it isn’t sex that you need

Remember the clues in the things he didn’t say
Remember that tomorrow will feel different than today

Remember you have the power to release
Remember that you get to embrace and to retreat

Remember love is more than a smile or stare or vibration
Remember to seek the bonds of mutual adoration

Remember when you feel the fog of blissful lust
Remember desperation is not a symptom but the cause

Remember to remember what you said here today
Remember that forgetting is why you have to remind yourself in the first place

Remember you aren’t broken for falling
Remember no one runs well until they’re good at walking

Remember you aren’t the same person you were years, months, weeks, moments ago
Remember this weight is a momentary burden to hold

Loving the Armenian

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Can’t listen to that Bowie song ever again
Or maybe not for a long time
I laid there next to you
Stroking your arm
In a hotel bed
While you snored lightly and wiggled your fingers drifting in and out of sleep
The handsomest face inches away from me

I asked you to guess who was singing and you didn’t know
I told you it was Bowie from his very last record
Released days before he died
And how sad it made me
And you don’t realize how much loss I’ve had when it comes to you
How much I’ve had to accept
How much I’ll never get back
But that I gave willingly
I always will

I’m listening to it again
It’s so haunting and I could cry just because of it; because he’s gone
And so are you for the moment
I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again
I wonder if I could let you go
The way he did
Producing all the way

I love you
I don’t know if I can
Or what it means
But I FEEL
Like if I ever could have
It would have been you
Alone as it felt to more or less say it out loud

You were rough and impatient
I was kind of drunk and abnormally submissive
We weren’t careful at all
But I couldn’t stop it if I tried
I had to
I waited so long
And it was you right there finally
I never thought it would be
And you were inside me
Looking into me with those eyes
I told you your cock was mine

When you’d walked into the room and I saw you and you leaned in and said something I can’t remember now
And I turned around
and it was you
and I just hugged you
and didn’t want to let go ever
And your eyes and your smile
Killed me just as much as they did the first time
You just smile
I’m home
I’m
Gone
I could look at you forever

And you loved the music I played
And that warmed me even more
I just know you somehow maybe

We made such a mess
And we laughed
At the murder scene
And showered and smiled
And I watched you intimately
Learning how to touch you
And ultimately
Swallowing you whole
And you said my goddamn name
As you moaned and came

I love you
If that even has a meaning
I do
For what it’s worth
For today
For forever
Even if it’s never again
I love you

“Don’t believe for just one second I’m forgetting you
I’m trying to
I’m dying to”