choices

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Silence.
Does it say what I always think it says?

MALICE
Abandonment
Disinterest
Rejection
Ambivalence

or

if I pause and reflect is it

life
family
work
insecurity
time

the latter is way less sexy and dramatic

The former allows me to remain shielded in anger, fear and mistrust

To be human is to wish for convenience, isn’t it?
But what is easy isn’t aways right

I want to be wrong about this one
I’ll do the work if I am

But I don’t know how I’ll know

My instincts
are so broken
by so much
delusion
and
deceit

I can’t tell poison from preservation

Recap/Epilogue

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What I felt last night in your arms
The smell of your skin
unblemished by colognes or deodorants
The feel of the fur on your chest and belly
The taste of you in my mouth
Your sweet smile and eyes penetrating me
Your infectious teasing and laughter making me so giddy and disarmed
The intensity of our physical connection almost overwhelming in its fullness

And all the brightness of us
marbled with my distrust and fear
and disappointment and worry
and world wariness

How I see things less than 24 hours later…

What doubt? What dismay?
What barriers and protective layers?
Where did they go?

The feel of you is sublime and beyond any that came before
I have never laughed with a lover the way I laugh with you
I would wear off white and walk down any aisle of your choosing

Or

We were something, weren’t we?
I hope we both live through this

In these moments
with the smell of you still somewhere in my olfactories
your seed still exiting me
I am devoted beyond any capacity to make any decisions

yours, sir, for now and likely always

Heartbreak is a pandemic too

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What I wanted to say:

My address?
You’ve been to my home before and you’ve been inside my body
You’re a grown ass MAN and you drive for a living
You brag about how good you are at what you do
You won’t do the simplest thing – saving my address
You didn’t groom your body or put on clean clothes to come here
I feel totally disrespected
If I’m going to risk my life I’d like to at least believe I’m doing it with someone who tries

What I said:

1234 I Have No Self Respect Lane
Are you on your way yet?

White (wet) Noise

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The sound of crashing waves in my ears makes me imagine the movement of your body on top of mine

Your naked hips thrusting to get further between my spread legs

Our hands clasped on either side of my head, fingers entwined

Breathing with you

Moaning

Aching for more even as you completely fill me with everything you have

This ocean sound for some reason is us

And we’ve never stepped foot on sand together in our lives

This longing spans time and space and the senses

How I want you

is

beyond

reason

intelligence

I can’t even listen to ambient sound without drowning in the sea-soaked fantasy of our embrace