It comes in waves

I screamed in my car
Soaking wet and furious
Trying to help and do good
Only to be sprayed down randomly
And literally
While dropping off recycling
Maintenance hosing down a truck
Decided to aim the stream at my car
thankgodIshutmydoor
And drenched me
My car seat still damp from the back of my coat

This
After I spent a hefty sum
Anonymously
To feed volunteers clearing out a local bar
Destroyed by an unexpected and historic flood
Did my best
Not to make it about me
But now I fucking will
My therapist’s reminder throbbing
Helping out despite the fact that the business provides a product that actually causes harm
Is still helping the community
Harm reduction
But did anyone even eat anything?
How many donuts got wasted?
Did anyone drink a single cup of coffee?
I don’t want it to be for nothing
Wasted effort
Like a lot of my existence here so far
I don’t fit in
At all
For whatever reasons

I am reduced.

I heard a Hooters song at a gas station
And wished I was home
And at first I couldn’t remember the bands goddamn name
You can’t forget where you come from
Can you?
I don’t want to
And this place has been making my home of my whole life blurry
(was it that great when i look back?)
but it’s filling me up with new things I can’t look away from
It’s not all that good
It’s utterly weird, really

Summer and wine and poutines and long walks and exploration in small doses in between work days
Old bad shopping habits obliged by box stores
And more wine and funky cocktails and a human vibe I don’t yet understand
And weather and germs I haven’t dealt with before
And now catastrophic nature activity
And realizations
And tears overflow too at the weirdest times

Loss
Change
Grief
I’m afraid to say Growth
I can acknowledge the expansion of my waistline (thanks bacon jam burgers and exquisite chocolate chip shortbread)
Will I develop and flourish?
Will I wilt and fade?
Am I even right for the soil?
Is it right for me?
How much time do I even have to find out?
The waiting
Always the waiting
Answers no clearer than the unwelcome mud in the nooks and crannies of nearby buildings
I suppose I keep going until the swells subside and I’m dry

some solstice this is

I don’t think I like snow
I played in it as a child
Got wet and cold and flew down hills and felt my face burn with the chill of powder and ice
My favorite part was coming inside and taking off the soaking outerwear
Getting warm in dry socks and clothing
Hot chocolate, hearty meals
I would always rather be warm than chilled
Even if only briefly
So if the whole point of venturing into the cold is to come in and get warm again
That should be a vacation
A long weekend
Not my place of residence
Right?

I’m cold
It’s sad

I’ve bought socks and snow pants
I have coats and hats and mittens
I have to take a work break
Go outside and clean off the car
Because ice and more snow could make it harder to clear
Tomorrow

Why am I here?
Because someone hurt me so bad I chickened out
PEACE
and I spent thousands
To try to get away from the reminders
And they’re with me
And I play at romance
But it’s maybe a facade
Or maybe it’s real and it’s what I want most of all
But I can’t trust it
Anymore than I can trust getting on a sled
Because I don’t know what really makes me happy
Or I’m afraid to admit it
Because I’d have to pack it all up
Admit my error
Haul ass back to what felt like safety
It’s a lot of running
But me sitting still with all this
is as likely as me picking up skiis