it throbs and pulses through your blood whines and begs and pleads tries to ooze out your mouth and fingers I neeeeeeeeeeed
it seemed to be in remission acceptance of things lost enjoyment of present friends and former lovers, personal space peace, maybe
but there is no rest for wicked abandonment trauma no real end of grieving for a crying adult child without constant processing and work as if you don’t have a job and responsibilities already
subject yourself to constant reminders of pain feel what you thought was most perfect thing slipping away for no reason try to make sense of the senseless the wasted time and energy
seek out attention and comfort in arms that you don’t recognize or get to keep around you smile in the faces of others who’d like to try and stay just out of their reach a balancing act you can’t keep up relief is temporary
talk to strangers buy you some special gifts get out for meals and self care show yourself a good time read more eat better tidy up focus on the present do your best and keep busy
but in those moments when there is nothing but the bottomless longing and quiet the spaces not occupied by self sufficiency
it always returns she always returns rage-filled, depleted, wasting and starving somebody say or do something she just wants a little taste of SOMETHING she’s never sated FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME
Our bodies were so close and tight I don’t remember anyone else in the room I couldn’t have been bothered we were dressed up and silly playing sweaty laughing kissing sparkling smiling and flirting two kids in grownup bodies royalty in purple hues sunglasses at night flushes from sex highlighting our faces it was everything it was supposed to be was I 18? my soul was in your arms I would stay in that moment forever if I could it was perfect we are perfect I swear it
I absorbed every moment you gave you gave so much it’s right there in every picture I have them all in every scene you are looking at ME with love
I still feel the weight of that night all the days and nights Today I ache to be in your arms no matter who opens theirs I want to be swaying, smiling and safe where I’m supposed to be it was supposed to be yours mine
how does anyone so totally lose their way? how do you push beauty and perfection like that away? it was meant for you why in this world where almost everyone seeks connection over anything else why deny? why conceal? it’s yours for the taking forever why open your fingers and let this love slide through like one of a hundred or more unremarkable handfuls of sand? don’t you understand it never gets to be this amazing and real WE are a once in-a-fucking-lifetime diamond
you’re pretty sure he doesn’t remember your name even if he knows it, he called you “Baby” instead he doesn’t ask about your life your likes your politics doesn’t compliment you has no expectations isn’t looking to settle doesn’t say anything that makes you feel special
you asked for this specifically you said no more bullshit I don’t care you can’t count on men to be safe or genuine so you picked this
he does kiss really well he knows how to play and tease and touch and he’s kind of dumb which makes it easy not to open your mouth except to moan and giggle when he tickles keep it stupid simple
you’re exhausted from the attention the physicality without conclusion at least for you this is foregone how you thought you liked to do it or accepted that pleasure came from surrender not from becoming transcendent it’s the familiar detachment you longed for
and still
this sadness
six months ago this was the absolute last scenario you imagined you you were in love you believed you were loved the deception and secrets became too much though it wasn’t you that crumbled from it it wasn’t you that caused this but were again left unguarded, nearly inconsolable, alone
grief is a weight that can only be carried for so long will it finally release its grasp smooth into a blurry little twinge that fades until it’s gone?
just checked; acute phase hasn’t ended
no matter how good the kisses or the attraction or the fun it still hurts it still fucking hurts maybe it’s anger now look-what-you-made-me-do fire burning hot in your veins the “cowboy” rides tail between legs into a made up sunset the one he said was real for the two of you to bathe in
no cowboys here anymore but this hombre did have on boots from Texas more real, apparently, than any word spoken to you for the majority of an entire year
Gratitude for small things tickles and a nickname and talking trash about cheesesteak and popcorn farts it ain’t medicine but it’ll help provide some temporary numbing while the pain glacially and tragically departs
The Truth And Purpose 