I’d go home and jerk off but…

it's truly a lie - J.Homme
I’m as lame as the fabric in my 26yo college sweatshirt
I’m a giant drip
I have nothing to give
I don’t even know if I have enough words

Can’t finish a thought
Can barely maintain a fantasy
I get two days in and I’m disappointed

Masturbation is exercise for the terminally bored
Internet matchmaking has failed me
I don’t even think the girl in my pictures is paying attention and fell
asleep
oh my god
should I take up calligraphy?

im too tired for capitalization and punctuation
Fuck you, space bar.
I don’t even think I can drink anymore
It makes me think I should so that i won’t get a headache.
That’s no fun on a school night

So much time with my thumbs on flickering glass
Instead of saying something longer than a character count
I’m too tired
My job and the way to get to and from
Takes all my brains
I leave them spread out across a university campus
Higher learning for someone else, not me
I study spit trails on the sidewalk

Writing (or waiting, pick a letter) with one eye cracked open because consciousness is a luxury
Where are you superman?
someone?
A voice in my head just uttered
“I think youre a reasonable girl” and then something punitive
I forget that part
but it got in.
The voice inside that wont let you anything

time to charge the company battery
maybe try again to feel the longing on the way to dreamworld
rockstar boyfriends
go on tour and bring the kid
in my dreams, my flesh and blood is with me in a better life
that’s a good start
but maybe I need to be living the dream
instead of wishing for it to come via pillows and down
i wish i wish i wish
I deserved
i deserve?

someone else I know just said I’m my own person
tell her to go to sleep before she writes over all this
she’s no fan of doubt at this age
she’d like the steadiness of an easy commute and a good meal
I keep trying to make her
Me
Which one of us has the keys?

 

A place like this

cashier

I’ve had a crush on you for a generation
The first time I saw you, you were selling slices
spiky hair
gold chain
tee shirt
tall and hunky
cleft chin
killer grin
cheshire motherfucker
younger than me
summer beach guy
I’d have bet anything
trouble for all of us with an aching to be pleased
But I smiled and took my pizza and said goodnight
Like a good mom does

once I saw you in a local bar
while I drank with another
chasing my lonely with attempts at a partner
I don’t easily forget a face like yours

Now I’m wiser all over
And you’re behind another counter
Gloves in your pocket
Utility knife
Handing out the stickers to the children of mothers and wives
Who bat their eyes unconsciously
and giggle
at the charming bell ringer

You’re skinnier now
hair flattened out
age catching up with you
something hard in your history
taking it’s toll
no gold
jeans on your slender frame
good working man shoes
boring by all accounts
except for that fucking “I can eat it all” smile

Ding ding

And I could swear on my life we’re making contact
In some delusion I have been able to conjure since the first time I felt my sex
You kept turning around
I’m standing in line holding meat and waffles
No style
No fancy bag or hair effect
I feel you
I’m nobody
Nothing
But you’re a rock star behind a register
I’m a groupie with a basket full of sundries
wanting to catch your stare
And it feels like you’re aware
my eyes are only on you

I don’t know why you’re here
You could be anything or anyone else
What in your life has kept you behind a counter
Kept you from greater adult definitions of greatness
Evidence suggests that smile has got you in a pickle
Maybe more than once
Maybe there are mouths to feed
or maybe being a big fish in a small man pond
made you never want to leave
Maybe some simple life is your success
It should deter me like a plague
But I’m a sucker for a good story

I couldn’t make contact today
I want to
I have longed to for a decade
But mostly I look away
I have kissed you a thousand times
In my mind
That face has placed itself
inches from mine
I’ve taken every picture
From every angle
of that jawline

It’s highly likely
your talents are legendary
So why do you stock shelves
instead of investing big money
I assume you have lost something
Or never knew how to win
Except at making ladies swoon
I understand that compulsion
Which is why I feign at playing shy
Instead of challenging you at the game

But oh how my old soul wants
to be the focus of your eyes
Beautiful paper bag slinger
In my dreams you can ring me up
Anytime

 

 

Sober or Dry?

Sober or Dry?

Drier than you
I’m not drinking the fruites de l’amour
All this recovery gots me clean as a whistle
on my way to unmarriaging
I’m made of paper and busy dust particles

worker woman me hurts her feet on the train
wandering eyes lead out windows to the next stops
Even my fantasies don’t stick
So I walk more
even when my heart pauses
for a little coincidental work-related fervor
it beats on
because I just want to get home and
get my
sleep on

a year older and wiser
I told a dating site
no sexytime shenanigans
that’s been getting all the compliments for turns of phrase
NOT
It doesn’t feel like Prince Decent and Kind is playing the field in my age range this season
I’m considering early retirement in favor of consulting
…or straight up whoring?

Downstairs my next door neighbor is fucking
Because she’s been doing that since she moved here 3 and 4-lameass score years ago
The opposite continuum trajectory
I suppose I’m writing at least
Does this seem bleak?

I’m just levelling with you
It can get boring when there’s an absence of trauma
But I’m trying to keep it together right now so I look good commuting

Do me a favor
Toast me with a full glass of your favorite poison
Cheers to the ones that came and left
Cheers to the blanks to be filled in by the future
Cheers to staring into the desert
While waiting patiently(?) for the oasis to appear

Sitting too close to a bear

Wouldn’t you love it if I came up behind you and whispered in your ear?
I can’t do that in this room
But I’m behind you
Right here

Run your fingers through your hair some more
Make me watch your hands move
Turn your head slightly
When’s your goddamn birthday?
There’s no way we’re not compatible
The way you keep paying attention
There must be something in them thar stars
Or I’m an attention whore

And you’re a single man sending out the signal
I receive those all the time you know
I can’t tell the difference between the directed and the leak
So stop with the neck cracking
And the peering over your shoulder baby
Look in my eyes
Ain’t no mistake when we both can’t breathe.