Why I Can’t Have Anything Nice

I bought a new couch
But dysfunction reigns supreme
I miss the garbage




I don’t know if I’m ready
I want to close the door
Keep walking
What is that something
That makes me want to wait?

Who knows
The way I hold on
I’m relentless
But I’m learning to relent
Maybe a surplus of anger
That I still haven’t spent

Invaded my goddamn city
I was born there(my premiere happened 46 years ago)
And now I feel like you upstaged me
With your pain and suffering
And smile and seemingly endless affairs

Writing this is merely spitting in the wind
There is no recompense
Just the gentle repeat banging of the head
I want it to end
I’m working fucking harder than I ever have
To make it end

Because I go forward
I won’t stay the same
I will hit those streets that I love
That you can never take
Because I was here first
And there first
And where you are first
I have been there

I will be ready
To walk
Keep walking

This one’s for me

Someone else will think I am pretty
Someone will hold me in high esteem
Today is not that day
Today the only person I will look to for that is me.

In the near future
Someone besides myself will value my existence
Someone will miss my very presence
Right now has felt barren of any such kind of sentiment
For tomorrow I wish to no longer look outside for it

Years from now
A “we” will look back and see how far we’ve come
I will fully appreciate how long my own journey was
This year has not been kind or gentle or proud
This year I truly learned what grief was about

When I have gone
I hope my family will look on me with love and respect
I hope my life will have meant more than some transition from birth to death
So often it’s been a challenge I didn’t agree to or want
But I’m here to take it. Now. And for the somedays and the future, and the me who matters
and is SOMEONE.

Tha mi gad iondrainn

Every thorny scar
A soft thistle bound in an ancient scarf
My braveheart

You were mine
Before the leash
When I am wild
I miss your growls
The gnashing of your teeth
When I am starving
I want your fingers in my mouth
You’re the only one who can feed me
From your soul
And your head
And the fire pit
That is your gender flesh
Owned now
I don’t care
Savages don’t understand peace
My armor always on
Ready to battle
Lust just a spoil of war…

But I walked alongside you in the fields
Scorched earth we both knew
Since childhood
You were savage once
Now you have marks from your padded cuffs
Maybe you struggle
I walk freely
But I am indentured
Slave to that cadence
The feel of your hand in mine

They will stretch me until I let go
Until my philistine rage becomes sweet and utterly docile
But I remember the thorny scars
The flowers
The fires
Searing pain of knowing another so deeply
Your eyes
I will hold this
Until I die