Why I Can’t Have Anything Nice

I bought a new couch
But dysfunction reigns supreme
I miss the garbage

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I’d go home and jerk off but…

it's truly a lie - J.Homme
I’m as lame as the fabric in my 26yo college sweatshirt
I’m a giant drip
I have nothing to give
I don’t even know if I have enough words

Can’t finish a thought
Can barely maintain a fantasy
I get two days in and I’m disappointed

Masturbation is exercise for the terminally bored
Internet matchmaking has failed me
I don’t even think the girl in my pictures is paying attention and fell
asleep
oh my god
should I take up calligraphy?

im too tired for capitalization and punctuation
Fuck you, space bar.
I don’t even think I can drink anymore
It makes me think I should so that i won’t get a headache.
That’s no fun on a school night

So much time with my thumbs on flickering glass
Instead of saying something longer than a character count
I’m too tired
My job and the way to get to and from
Takes all my brains
I leave them spread out across a university campus
Higher learning for someone else, not me
I study spit trails on the sidewalk

Writing (or waiting, pick a letter) with one eye cracked open because consciousness is a luxury
Where are you superman?
someone?
A voice in my head just uttered
“I think youre a reasonable girl” and then something punitive
I forget that part
but it got in.
The voice inside that wont let you anything

time to charge the company battery
maybe try again to feel the longing on the way to dreamworld
rockstar boyfriends
go on tour and bring the kid
in my dreams, my flesh and blood is with me in a better life
that’s a good start
but maybe I need to be living the dream
instead of wishing for it to come via pillows and down
i wish i wish i wish
I deserved
i deserve?

someone else I know just said I’m my own person
tell her to go to sleep before she writes over all this
she’s no fan of doubt at this age
she’d like the steadiness of an easy commute and a good meal
I keep trying to make her
Me
Which one of us has the keys?

 

Resettlement

bub
This is my kabubble
My small hovel in the suburbs
where I drown out the sound of the screaming from within
with some kindness I’ve been learning

I’m still needy for action
but I already fucked the men sent to guard me
oh wait no
they were working for the enemy

I’m not in combat
“harms way” is where I was
this is no man’s land now
Or so I decided about six months ago

And this is seven years
after i said i was sick and so tired
of being lied to
of being a liar

Tonight someone said he was so used to lying
he didn’t know anyone who sucked at it
until he stopped and thought about how easy it is
the comfort of the untruth
and it was sickening to him
that it felt normal

the new normal

What IS that?

It changes every week
from big screen to smaller or bigger
How often we transmit our success and failure
How we dress
How we GMO or don’t

How do we follow something that is moving at the speed of light?

I don’t know if we can catch up.

America is a bubble
Because fantasy and dreaming means reality is somewhere else
We fancy ourselves a great shining land of dream manufacturing
But really it’s all levers and pulleys, maintained by drones and the angry disorganized
and later unknowingly disenfranchised

Red pill, blue pill
doesn’t matter anymore

We are way down in this hole
We are so far down

People with perfectly manicured lives
attempting to re-interpret words that were created before there was even electricity
Confidence so high in words thousands of years older, written by scribes based on stories told by men centuries earlier
Not a woman’s voice in the crowd
But we made you
We nursed you
We clothed you and kept you

I don’t want to talk about world affairs
I’m overexposed to infotainment

Here in my bubble
Feeling like something has to be said for my sanity
but not knowing why I type another word

should I try different punctuation?
stop using capital letters in protest?
I is so much cooler when it’s i

or is it

as my son would say

I feel something in my bones that wants to tell everybody something
Say something with a meaning
It’s quiet and bleak in my kitchen
Cinnamon bread I botched earlier today(too much butter)
Still makes it smell so homey

Too late to go sit in a bar with a rocks glass half-full of whiskey
And pretend I’m a writer type with a passion for random opinions
How precious

Sitting here in my bleak, cinnamony kitchen instead

Bubble

Thinking about a dream of kissing
And the usual torment that comes on waking up in an empty bed
The further ache caused by knowing
I was being kissed in my dreams by a jackass in sheeps clothing again

But it’s the bubble I’m in right now
I made it mine
I’m here until I’m ready to shut it down
part of some journey inside
It will always be part of me

I’d rather it be this part of the desert
Than the flooded toxic swamps of the life I left
Any bubble is better than choking on your own bloated inertia
I can’t go back there

This is my normal for now

Cords and tech everywhere
Receipts, files, tissues and grocery bags on the table
purses on the floor
Cinnamon bread in the pan and in the sink
Vitamins and fiber and probiotics in the cabinet
TV and the tractor beam sofa
Laundry. Always the laundry
Windowless bathroom and shower with the door open please
Once a month bleach the grout
And open the windows for the cross breeze that sends the piano music
to the floor where it sits while my son hammers villains and foes online
Calling “mom…mom” a hundred times or more
The bedroom I call my sanctuary
More like an inner sanctum for the lack of sunlight
Good for vampires
And me
And it’s all mine
Plus the noise of the neighbors and the pipes
And the fire trucks and trains and garbage and snow removal men
For now

This bubble
is where I reshape my life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sans Muse

image
I think I lost my words.
Have you seen them?
Somewhere between “I need ALL the male attention”
and
“I’m a vulnerable soul who needs love from within”
They left in search of a more ribald throat
I don’t/can’t talk about blood pumping through my veins
Because what makes it flow
also kills me
So I’ll use a word like ribald instead
I had to look it up
Because I’m apparently so chaste

I’m writing this from a resentful 430 in the morning
I think the words hide here
Where my subconscious would take a man down
And she squeezes out a play for freedom(get your minds out the gutter, I don’t self-medicate these days)
while I lay in bed in big boxer shorts
Trying to make some plainer words mean more by shaping a verse
Squirming between awake and asleep
My sober modern fantasy is an unknown naked persona next to me here
A loved one reaching to hold me so I will put down the pen(phone) for now

Oh to be happy writing as this new and improved me
Free from the crushing force of LOVEMECRAVEMEIWANTEVERYTHINGANDITSNOTENOUGHCOMEBACKPLEASE
Now bound to some after-effect of my disease
Recovery
Just what is it that you are making me?
And what have you done with my words?