Why I Can’t Have Anything Nice

I bought a new couch
But dysfunction reigns supreme
I miss the garbage




I don’t know if I’m ready
I want to close the door
Keep walking
What is that something
That makes me want to wait?

Who knows
The way I hold on
I’m relentless
But I’m learning to relent
Maybe a surplus of anger
That I still haven’t spent

Invaded my goddamn city
I was born there(my premiere happened 46 years ago)
And now I feel like you upstaged me
With your pain and suffering
And smile and seemingly endless affairs

Writing this is merely spitting in the wind
There is no recompense
Just the gentle repeat banging of the head
I want it to end
I’m working fucking harder than I ever have
To make it end

Because I go forward
I won’t stay the same
I will hit those streets that I love
That you can never take
Because I was here first
And there first
And where you are first
I have been there

I will be ready
To walk
Keep walking

This one’s for me

Someone else will think I am pretty
Someone will hold me in high esteem
Today is not that day
Today the only person I will look to for that is me.

In the near future
Someone besides myself will value my existence
Someone will miss my very presence
Right now has felt barren of any such kind of sentiment
For tomorrow I wish to no longer look outside for it

Years from now
A “we” will look back and see how far we’ve come
I will fully appreciate how long my own journey was
This year has not been kind or gentle or proud
This year I truly learned what grief was about

When I have gone
I hope my family will look on me with love and respect
I hope my life will have meant more than some transition from birth to death
So often it’s been a challenge I didn’t agree to or want
But I’m here to take it. Now. And for the somedays and the future, and the me who matters
and is SOMEONE.

Once upon a time…

We were young
We were innocent
We were trusting
We were filled with joy, naïveté and light
Something, someone, some chaos, some certain horror appeared
Changed everything
Used our reverence to silence and bind us
Stole these necessary elements we were born with
Left darkness behind
Left us crawling
No compass to speak of
That among the collateral removed from our foundations

The silence we observed in self-preservation
The fear
The rage
The grief
The shock
Too great for our undeveloped souls to manage
We hid in plain sight
We survived
Living was what it looked like to the world
We became experts at duality
We found ways to soothe what the silence could not

And as we grew and the world became more complex
Our power to cope was less and less
We could rely only on what we knew and learn no more
Because life lessons are often lost on those who matured in their own absence
We, seemingly suspended forever in the act of holding ourselves together with tape and staples and gum and lies

The past a tumor growing as we held on to what the darkness gave us
Fear more powerful than the love we needed
Anger and rage the energy that flowed in our veins
Our warm blood cold and sluggish in its wake
Life just a construct we walked through despite some glimmers of happiness we made
Those glimmers that now looked at us with the same eyes we once knew
We wondered what could ever be enough to help us see again

And then
Where could we ever be safe from the thief of our lives?
How could we decide right and wrong for ourselves with nothing to go on?
Why did we feel dead?
Why couldn’t we cry?
When we asked these questions the darkness answered back
Don’t tell anyone
And when we listened, we coped, because we knew that voice was the same voice that robbed us
Hearing it made it real
Made us hide again

Maybe we would steal from someone
Maybe we would hide forever what was left of the voice inside who asked the questions
Maybe we would disappear into our own darkness
It would be easier than letting that small self keep talking
Most children don’t keep secrets very well
It’s not in their nature
Our nature was replaced with machine parts
Or so we thought

Yet when we weren’t busy coping the questions kept coming
The catalyst could have been a greeting card or a tree
And all the coping in the world couldn’t answer the questions or keep them quiet forever

What lies ahead
Is the mission to recover what we lost to the silence and the darkness
The answering of questions we never should have had to ask
There are others like us
Ready to march
Many who have been marching
The questions they hear
Now a cadence
Inspired by loss and pain
They step to the rhythm of the answers they seek
We can join forces
We don’t have to just cope
The tumor we carry is only a growth
Not an appendage
We have allies
They’ve seen the darkness too

And when the warmth of the light becomes more appealing and real
Than the flimsy dark covenants we knew
It’s time to inhabit the bodies we’ve been haunting
Answer the questions
Ask more
To feel instead of flail
To come out of hiding once and for all

Once upon a time the past became our present
We felt we were bound to it
But when you’re not alone
When there are forces at your side
It’s time to stare into the darkness
Open the doors on the silence
And get out there and fight for your life

Not my type

You look at me and want
You can see in my eyes that I have something to offer
I don’t look away when you focus on me
I give it right back
You can feel it coming off me in waves: AVAILABLE

You will be/are/have been my lover
My hunger
My need
My craving
is something you love to discover
It means you won’t be lonely tonight
You’ll get exactly what you came looking for
It means you don’t have to work
or try
or appear to respect me
Why should you?
I put the main course on the table before you opened the menu

“I’m an open book”
“I have nothing to hide”
“Anything you want to know”
“I don’t play games”
But I always wish you’ll make the first move
I hope you’ll initiate and inquire
Show real interest
You only want to see how it starts up and then you’re gone when you’re finished

But I know this
It’s just your type I manifest
Over and over
The stares I converted
The attention I perverted
My shaky moral compass diverted
By the empty promises of my predator
My self
My cracked soul
Sending out sonar
Looking for broken ones
Just like you
Because no one responds to bad signals
Like bad responders

And here you are
“Just like I hoped
I’d never see again”
(I always say that)
Are you ready to help fulfill this cyclical prophecy?
Ready to help me self-destruct again?
Ready to walk when the walls crumble and the flames soar?
Ready to look at me with dead eyes when I tell you I feel something?

You’re always ready for someone like me
You’ll always be there
Irony in your indifference
I can count on being the last on your list
That kind of consistency is something to be missed

I’ll look over my shoulder every so often
Nod my head
Yeah I remember when I couldn’t stay away
But I’m not looking to sign up for one-way missions anymore
I don’t think you’re the right one this way
I’m seeking sanctuary
Creating boundaries
Steering clear of gypsies
Like you, and the many more before you
I won’t be insulted when you move along to the next wounded and willing
It’s become apparent you weren’t my type
From the beginning