Why I Can’t Have Anything Nice

I bought a new couch
But dysfunction reigns supreme
I miss the garbage

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Resettlement

bub
This is my kabubble
My small hovel in the suburbs
where I drown out the sound of the screaming from within
with some kindness I’ve been learning

I’m still needy for action
but I already fucked the men sent to guard me
oh wait no
they were working for the enemy

I’m not in combat
“harms way” is where I was
this is no man’s land now
Or so I decided about six months ago

And this is seven years
after i said i was sick and so tired
of being lied to
of being a liar

Tonight someone said he was so used to lying
he didn’t know anyone who sucked at it
until he stopped and thought about how easy it is
the comfort of the untruth
and it was sickening to him
that it felt normal

the new normal

What IS that?

It changes every week
from big screen to smaller or bigger
How often we transmit our success and failure
How we dress
How we GMO or don’t

How do we follow something that is moving at the speed of light?

I don’t know if we can catch up.

America is a bubble
Because fantasy and dreaming means reality is somewhere else
We fancy ourselves a great shining land of dream manufacturing
But really it’s all levers and pulleys, maintained by drones and the angry disorganized
and later unknowingly disenfranchised

Red pill, blue pill
doesn’t matter anymore

We are way down in this hole
We are so far down

People with perfectly manicured lives
attempting to re-interpret words that were created before there was even electricity
Confidence so high in words thousands of years older, written by scribes based on stories told by men centuries earlier
Not a woman’s voice in the crowd
But we made you
We nursed you
We clothed you and kept you

I don’t want to talk about world affairs
I’m overexposed to infotainment

Here in my bubble
Feeling like something has to be said for my sanity
but not knowing why I type another word

should I try different punctuation?
stop using capital letters in protest?
I is so much cooler when it’s i

or is it

as my son would say

I feel something in my bones that wants to tell everybody something
Say something with a meaning
It’s quiet and bleak in my kitchen
Cinnamon bread I botched earlier today(too much butter)
Still makes it smell so homey

Too late to go sit in a bar with a rocks glass half-full of whiskey
And pretend I’m a writer type with a passion for random opinions
How precious

Sitting here in my bleak, cinnamony kitchen instead

Bubble

Thinking about a dream of kissing
And the usual torment that comes on waking up in an empty bed
The further ache caused by knowing
I was being kissed in my dreams by a jackass in sheeps clothing again

But it’s the bubble I’m in right now
I made it mine
I’m here until I’m ready to shut it down
part of some journey inside
It will always be part of me

I’d rather it be this part of the desert
Than the flooded toxic swamps of the life I left
Any bubble is better than choking on your own bloated inertia
I can’t go back there

This is my normal for now

Cords and tech everywhere
Receipts, files, tissues and grocery bags on the table
purses on the floor
Cinnamon bread in the pan and in the sink
Vitamins and fiber and probiotics in the cabinet
TV and the tractor beam sofa
Laundry. Always the laundry
Windowless bathroom and shower with the door open please
Once a month bleach the grout
And open the windows for the cross breeze that sends the piano music
to the floor where it sits while my son hammers villains and foes online
Calling “mom…mom” a hundred times or more
The bedroom I call my sanctuary
More like an inner sanctum for the lack of sunlight
Good for vampires
And me
And it’s all mine
Plus the noise of the neighbors and the pipes
And the fire trucks and trains and garbage and snow removal men
For now

This bubble
is where I reshape my life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A reminder of sorts


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Fighting with a rumble
Like hunger
Not in my stomach
But everywhere else
Memories that don’t serve
But to hurt
Remind me
Of my invisibility
And this ache to be truly wanted
Sought after
To be coveted
Gets lost
In a blur of manflesh scent and sound
Some moment when I thought I WAS wanted
but it wasn’t me
It was what I offered
Easy accessibility
Commitment free
Or so it seemed

But the rumble doesn’t care all that much
about consequences
Or unrequited love
It wants to be noticed
Held
Touched
Kissed
It wants me to get penetrated
So I’ll forget
That my heart beats
That I could have wings
That so many have hurt me
That I’ve let so many
Hold
Touch
Kiss
Penetrate
and destroy
What hides deep beneath

The rubble of ages of men
I dig through
I want to clean this place I call my soul
There’s so much detritus
Where do I put it?
I don’t know
But
The rumble
Is just motion
Energy
Misdirected
It’s how I know
There’s more digging to be done
To clear space
For new memories that will serve to reinforce and preserve me
For a clearing where I can stand in the open
And truly be seen