Broken Road

Wanna run away
Escape needs accomplices
But I’ve got no one

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your stepfather

smoke

Uncomfortable silence.
Somebody turn the radio on at least
The quiet hurts
It’s not a reflective, meditative quiet
It’s the quiet of rage and fear and ignorance and denial
Of codependence
Resentment
Poisoning by secondhand smoke
The residual smell
Acrid and nauseating
Chemical
Noxious and toxic
Like the waiting room of an auto body shop
But it’s the family car
Brings me back
My teen years
Rides to family dinners
Yeah huh
Family
Put that in quotes
Because it was silent
No one talks
There is no bond
No kindness
No humor
No fun
No FEELING
Now it’s the smell of age
Impending Death
Putrid vapor discharge from regular medications and Marlboros
Just as bad as the black coffee cups
And cigarette-infused car upholstery
Drive for miles
Say nothing
No wonder my mother rambles
No wonder she can’t be quiet
She can’t wait to get out of the car either
Talks about traffic lights like they’re jailers
This is maddening
Talking to yourself is better
Than having to endure
The selfishly shy and socially deficient
The consciously unnecessary stoicism
The anti-person
The unspeaking
Walking dead

It’s not what “She” said

It’s the same kind of venom

The belittling
The degrading

Go home little girl, you aren’t smart enough to play with the big boys

Go home
Shut that girly mouth and stick to what you know

Shut up

You don’t understand the big world
You don’t know how things REALLY work
Silly girl

Let the big men handle it
You don’t know what you’re talking about
Don’t worry your dumb pretty head another minute

…..

I’d love to “meat” you in a nightclub
Back when I was a bad bad bad girl
Cozy up
Cover you in flattery and ecstasy in learning of your great accomplishments
Big man
I bet you say that to all the girls
Show you how impressed I am
Pay attention to no one but YOU
Because you’re so thoughful and masculine
“My stars, you must read a lot”
Makes your cock hard because you’re getting confirmation that you’re the one
I believe your charade baby
You look 100% all man-made

“Oh you’re so sexy can we go to your place? I need to lie down on your big king size. These shoes are pretty but they hurt my girlie feet. Maybe you can rub them for me…”

You’re so smart
You’re winning at this conquest
Look how easy!
You’re so fucking cool. These bitches don’t know what they’re getting, do they. They’re getting the motherload of you. That’s a jackpot of oh yeah. The odds were in your favor.

I know.
I’ve known for years.
I’ve been underneath, on top, behind, beside, between…
I didn’t have to let you in.
I made you bring me here.

Take off all your clothes
Lay down
Leave yourself exposed
Look at you so pleased with yourself
Could this have happened to a better guy?
Bet you’re excited now
I’m so vulnerable
I’m female
I was made to please you
wasn’t I?

Feel that baby?
Like when I tie you to the bed?
Simple pleasures, right?
Yes, I have to make it that tight

Oh look at that! It’s so late
I’m dreadful tired
Silly me I forgot I have to be up early tomorrow
Such a ditz, I’d leave my head at home if it wasn’t attached
I have to go
My boss is a bear and I don’t want to be late in the morning
He’s promised me advancement if I keep being a good little assistant

You’ll be fine right here
I’m sure you can get untied all by yourself
You’re a big strong man
Didn’t you learn all
that stuff in boy scouts?

Tootles cutie
Sorry I have to leave right now
We were having so much fun
Weren’t you?
Such a pity

Hate to leave you hanging
Oh wait
No I don’t.
I hope you suddenly become aware that you have no friends
I hope you shit the bed
terrified, alone and dehydrated
And when they find you
Crying tears of desperation
Soiled and compromised
Just another pile of DNA, muscle and bone
on a bed

You’re just like everyone else inside
Vulnerable
Powers we don’t fully understand
leaving us mercifully alive

I just wanted to remind you
You’re as full of shit
As I am
Harsh?
Why yes
My actions are justified
From the moment you saw me as something instead of someone
What other way is there
To prove to you how simple
we ALL truly are?

I’ll just go home
I’ll let myself out
of all of this
You’re lucky I’m a simple
girl
I was considering burning your house down

Resettlement

bub
This is my kabubble
My small hovel in the suburbs
where I drown out the sound of the screaming from within
with some kindness I’ve been learning

I’m still needy for action
but I already fucked the men sent to guard me
oh wait no
they were working for the enemy

I’m not in combat
“harms way” is where I was
this is no man’s land now
Or so I decided about six months ago

And this is seven years
after i said i was sick and so tired
of being lied to
of being a liar

Tonight someone said he was so used to lying
he didn’t know anyone who sucked at it
until he stopped and thought about how easy it is
the comfort of the untruth
and it was sickening to him
that it felt normal

the new normal

What IS that?

It changes every week
from big screen to smaller or bigger
How often we transmit our success and failure
How we dress
How we GMO or don’t

How do we follow something that is moving at the speed of light?

I don’t know if we can catch up.

America is a bubble
Because fantasy and dreaming means reality is somewhere else
We fancy ourselves a great shining land of dream manufacturing
But really it’s all levers and pulleys, maintained by drones and the angry disorganized
and later unknowingly disenfranchised

Red pill, blue pill
doesn’t matter anymore

We are way down in this hole
We are so far down

People with perfectly manicured lives
attempting to re-interpret words that were created before there was even electricity
Confidence so high in words thousands of years older, written by scribes based on stories told by men centuries earlier
Not a woman’s voice in the crowd
But we made you
We nursed you
We clothed you and kept you

I don’t want to talk about world affairs
I’m overexposed to infotainment

Here in my bubble
Feeling like something has to be said for my sanity
but not knowing why I type another word

should I try different punctuation?
stop using capital letters in protest?
I is so much cooler when it’s i

or is it

as my son would say

I feel something in my bones that wants to tell everybody something
Say something with a meaning
It’s quiet and bleak in my kitchen
Cinnamon bread I botched earlier today(too much butter)
Still makes it smell so homey

Too late to go sit in a bar with a rocks glass half-full of whiskey
And pretend I’m a writer type with a passion for random opinions
How precious

Sitting here in my bleak, cinnamony kitchen instead

Bubble

Thinking about a dream of kissing
And the usual torment that comes on waking up in an empty bed
The further ache caused by knowing
I was being kissed in my dreams by a jackass in sheeps clothing again

But it’s the bubble I’m in right now
I made it mine
I’m here until I’m ready to shut it down
part of some journey inside
It will always be part of me

I’d rather it be this part of the desert
Than the flooded toxic swamps of the life I left
Any bubble is better than choking on your own bloated inertia
I can’t go back there

This is my normal for now

Cords and tech everywhere
Receipts, files, tissues and grocery bags on the table
purses on the floor
Cinnamon bread in the pan and in the sink
Vitamins and fiber and probiotics in the cabinet
TV and the tractor beam sofa
Laundry. Always the laundry
Windowless bathroom and shower with the door open please
Once a month bleach the grout
And open the windows for the cross breeze that sends the piano music
to the floor where it sits while my son hammers villains and foes online
Calling “mom…mom” a hundred times or more
The bedroom I call my sanctuary
More like an inner sanctum for the lack of sunlight
Good for vampires
And me
And it’s all mine
Plus the noise of the neighbors and the pipes
And the fire trucks and trains and garbage and snow removal men
For now

This bubble
is where I reshape my life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sans Muse

image
I think I lost my words.
Have you seen them?
Somewhere between “I need ALL the male attention”
and
“I’m a vulnerable soul who needs love from within”
They left in search of a more ribald throat
I don’t/can’t talk about blood pumping through my veins
Because what makes it flow
also kills me
So I’ll use a word like ribald instead
I had to look it up
Because I’m apparently so chaste

I’m writing this from a resentful 430 in the morning
I think the words hide here
Where my subconscious would take a man down
And she squeezes out a play for freedom(get your minds out the gutter, I don’t self-medicate these days)
while I lay in bed in big boxer shorts
Trying to make some plainer words mean more by shaping a verse
Squirming between awake and asleep
My sober modern fantasy is an unknown naked persona next to me here
A loved one reaching to hold me so I will put down the pen(phone) for now

Oh to be happy writing as this new and improved me
Free from the crushing force of LOVEMECRAVEMEIWANTEVERYTHINGANDITSNOTENOUGHCOMEBACKPLEASE
Now bound to some after-effect of my disease
Recovery
Just what is it that you are making me?
And what have you done with my words?