Death Grip

It’s nobody’s fault
But mine
You can’t help it
You lie
We’re just lonesome losers
In our own minds
While the ones we love
And desire
Burn us
Or follow blind

I just keep going

We’re so tortured
Broken
Diseased
We’ve seen horrors
Been made to suffer
You wouldn’t believe
We walk this earth
We smile
We hold it down
We succeed
But it’s deceit
This is how we breathe

It’s all I know

And you got this far
So did I
We climbed despite the scars
We lay on beds of broken hearts
It’s nothing to walk out a door
To say goodbye
Our eyes are closed to
What it means to be alive

I wonder why I sleep alone

You need to run
I’m better off moving
Hurt can’t stick
If you never stop
So gun it
Go that way
And keep going
Distance and the fonder heart
And all that composite
Cliche exposition
Forgive me if I’m jaded
Missing the pain ain’t all that exquisite

I don’t know how much more I can hold

So easy to forget
The let downs
The hurtful or careless words
Thank you for that
may I have another
Because you store it in rage
In the sour grapes tales
I pour them from my mouth
Spill like fine liquor all over the place
Jacked up cynics
Are hard to tear apart

But then one day there’s no one
No fight
No sorry
No maybe
No neatly woven story
Nothing to grip
And claim
I LOST THIS
SEE ME DIE
So no resurrection
No backwards flying Phoenix
Heading right back to the fire
Just blackness
The pain is ready to be spoken
It’s coming out my guts
It cant be placated or seduced anymore
One of us is going under

Can I give it up and let go?

Day 4 into 5 : Say goodnight

Got sympathy in therapy
Realized the only talking I’ve done about the MC Situation has been in the ether all alone
but yet so not alone
I forgot I hadn’t actually spoken

Fatigued and enlightened and $40 lighter
flitted off to Old Navy
excited by coupons
Then hurry home for a date with a ham sandwich

The ham was bad
But I insisted on getting porked somehow
Bacon is the best friend a jilted lover wannabe can have
(The vibrator has the week off)
And Netflix was waiting by the couch with open arms

Hours and episodes later
Orange Is The New Black took over
The guard/prisoner romance has me
The actors actually tongue kiss
Gets me right where it burns

4 in the morning
Here comes that longing
So you know, I’m going to consider your offer, Glenn
Inconvenient and otherwise
I’m telling all my friends here
Because they hear me roar
My whiny poor me moan
And validate with little stars and likes
And hellos
I have not asked for
Face to face from a single human’s face
(Glenn can’t hear me, but if he could I’d ask for his company)

Alone
In the darkest hours
I slept through them last night
And today was tomorrow
Until I fixated on drama behind bars
Because I don’t want my story
For a few hours or more

I tried to cry
And the whimper
Was so boring
I gave up

Reliving the rejection
Sitting in Dr. Why Don’t You Tell Me About Its office
I’m not enough for yet another

So what do I get to have
Maybe a recommendation from a stranger
To fuck my friend
Who has a #1 steady
That’s advice
You give to your worst enemy

One thing is true
MC has not received contact of any kind from this Female
The fortress around my heart is holding
Despite imagined pleas by an ex-Police man
I rock on

Day 5, you’re shaping up to be beautiful